What’s It Like Being In A Long Term Relationship With A Narcissist?

What’s It Like Being In A Long Term Relationship With A Narcissist?

Narcissists have a knack of making their significant others feel at fault for everything that goes wrong. Even when it’s clearly the narcissist’s fault. And their poor conscientious partners are sent on a wild goose chase. Trying to improve their own behaviours, when no improvement is necessary.

By familiarising yourself with typical narcissist behaviours, you can better understand what’s actually going on. And see why you’re having so many difficulties. And realise it isn’t all down to you.

So, here’s what to expect during a typical long term relationship with a narcissist…

Expect You To Anticipate Their Needs

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The narcissist is the focal point of their own lives. But they also expect to be the focal point of yours. To the exclusion of everything else.

The narcissist thinks you should consider them all the time. And even know what they want, without them asking you.

The narcissist considers it insulting that you haven’t read their mind, and anticipated what they want. And they don’t see the hypocrisy that they don't ever consider your needs.

This can leave you anxious and walking on egg shells. Trying to anticipate all their needs. But this is an impossible task. And the narcissist will make sure you “fail” every now and then. Just so they can put you in your place, which is beneath them.

Treat Strangers Better Than You

When you’re in a long term relationship with a narcissist, they can relax and be their narcissistic selves. The narcissist already has you drawn in and attached. So they don’t feel the need to impress you any more.

Narcissists save their best behaviour for those they want to impress. And these are usually people not as close to them. These might be co-workers, people at the gym, or even strangers.

Narcissists want to be liked and admired so much, that they bend over backwards to help strangers. Whilst doing little to help their nearest and dearest.

This leaves you in the upsetting and confusing situation where they treat strangers MUCH better than you. And naturally you’re confused as to why this is happening. It’s only when you understand narcissistic behaviour that it makes sense.

Narcissists aren’t interested in impressing you any more. But they still want to impress everyone else. And this is no reflection on you. It’s what narcissists do.

Flirting

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Most narcissists LOVE to flirt. They need almost constant validation of how sexy, brilliant, and intelligent they are. And flirting provides this for them.

Many narcissists flirt right in front of their partners. Some deliberately do this just to make you feel jealous. The narcissist likes to show you that they have an army of admirers waiting to take your place. So they can nudge you to harder to please them if you want to remain in the “privileged position” of being their partner.

You Feel Like You Are Walking On Egg Shells

Narcissists like to see their partners walking on egg shells around them. Fearing the narcissist’s wrath.

Narcissists know that if people are walking on egg shells, they’re more willing to please the narcissist. Which gives them more power.

Whilst you’re worrying, trying to keep the narcissist happy, they can snap their fingers and you’ll come running to appease them.

A golden rule is that if you feel you’re always trying to please someone, then it’s a red flag that you’re in a toxic relationship. If you’re so useless as they often suggest, then why bother being around you at all?

Push All Their Responsibilities On You

Over time, narcissists usually push their responsibilities onto their significant others. Narcissists don’t care for the boring routines of life. Such as house work, paying bills, looking after children etc. And over time, ALL these things become you’re responsibility.

In my experience, it wasn’t that I was asked to do these things. I just knew that they wouldn’t get done unless I did them. So unless I wanted to live in squalor, I had to do almost everything around the house.

You Age More

Spending a lot of time around narcissists takes it’s toll. Narcissists are draining to be around. And many people age quicker during a relationship with a narcissist.

Over time, most people learn to focus their energy on the narcissist and their needs. And neglect their own. Combine this with all the extra stress and worry they bring, and it’s no wonder many people look significantly older.

One silver lining though. You can reverse a lot of this deterioration once the narcissist is out your life. And literally regress in visible age once their drama is taken somewhere else. This is what happened to me!

Financial Strife

Narcissists typically “live in the moment”. And don’t think about how they’re going to pay for things tomorrow. This often leaves their partners not daring to spend. And always picking up the pieces of the narcissist’s reckless spending.

The narcissist swans about, without a care in the world, spending what they want. Whilst you lay awake at night worrying about the bills.

Some narcissists go as far as to take out loans in their partners name. And many don’t discover this until the relationship is over. And they’re hit with a huge and unexpected bill.

They’re Often In fights

After a while you notice that the narcissist gets into a lot of fights. It might be with friends, family, people from work etc. And if it’s not direct conflict, then they’re probably complaining about someone behind their back.

Of course the conflicts are NEVER the narcissist's fault. And they never hold their hand up and admit any fault whatsoever. Even when they’re clearly in the wrong.

But more annoyingly, the narcissist expects you to back them to the hilt. No matter what they’ve done. And if you point out their contribution to the problem, you’re accused of not being loyal. The narcissist is far more concerned with winning, than who’s right. And you’re expected to back them in ALL their disagreements. No matter what.

They Talk More And Listen Less

Over time, the narcissist talks more, and listens less. And they may flatly ignore you when you ask them a question.

The narcissist feels you’re beneath them, and not worth listening to. And ignoring you is the ultimate show of their “dominance”.

The narcissist feels you should listen to them. But they don’t care to listen to you. They know more than you, so why should they? You can be left feeling lonely and uncared for, even when you spend a lot of time with them.

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Controlling

Most narcissists become more controlling , once they’re settled in a long term relationship. They see their significant others more like property than a person. And don’t consider they have their own wants and needs. In their mind, their significant others are there to serve them.

The narcissists may become angry if you’re 20 minutes late coming home from work. Or they might go into bad moods when you visit a friend.

Narcissists sometimes try to isolate their significant others. And persuade them to give up their jobs. Or move to another area where they don’t know anyone. The narcissist knows that the more you’re isolated, the more you depend on them. And the more they can control you.

Conclusion

Narcissists can be very demanding and self entitled. And they can leave you feeling like you’re not enough. In fact, this is how they want you to feel.

The narcissist likes to paint a picture of you being useless and not worthy of them. That way they have you walking on egg shells, trying to please them.

A healthy relationship is about compromise, give and take, and respecting the others persons feelings. But you don’t get this in a relationship with a narcissist. At least not as an automatic right.

The narcissist will spend months, even years, manoeuvring themselves into a position of almost total power. Leaving you existing just to please them.

The narcissist tries to take as much from you as they can. Whilst giving you as little as they can. They won’t give you anything for nothing. Anything you want, you have to fight hard to get it. 

 

What a Narcissist Does at the End of a Relationship

At the end of a relationship, narcissists may become combative, passive-aggressive, hostile, and even more controlling. People with NPD often fail to understand other people’s needs and values. They are hyper focused on their egos, but do not account for how their actions affect others. In many cases, they do whatever it takes to restore their sense of power.

Here are seven things a narcissist may do at the end of a relationship:

1. Blame It on You

A narcissist will commonly try to incite guilt and shame. They may spin the narrative to blame their partner for why the relationship failed. This maintains their grandiose perception of themselves and gives them the leverage to try and convince others to empathize with them.

“You didn’t want to give the relationship a fair chance”

• “You are abandoning me when I need you the most”
• “You don’t honor your commitments”
• “You’re too selfish to care about my needs”
• “You’re asking me to change too much”

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2. Fight It

Some people with NPD will argue with the breakup. They may do this directly (“I won’t accept that”) or indirectly (“You’re being ridiculous. Let’s just talk it out”). Unfortunately, these strategies often wear down the other person. After all, it can seem easier to stay than engage in a fight.

Here are phrases you might hear from a fighting narcissist:

• “You don’t really mean that”
• “You’re just overreacting, and I’m not going to listen to it”
• “No, we’re sticking together; we promised to work this all out”
• “You can’t back out now”

3. Make You Jealous

In an attempt to “get even,” people with NPD will often try to make their previous partners jealous. They may find a new partner almost immediately and post pictures and sappy messages about them all over social media.

Their goal in doing this is multi-layered: they want you to feel as if they’ve moved on and they’re happier without you; they also want you to question your motives and second guess why you chose to end the relationship; they want to create the notion that they never cared about you in the first place.

Unfortunately, jealousy can be effective. It can trigger feelings of insecurity and uncertainty and make you feel like you need to compete, which can cause you to focus on seeking revenge, rather than moving

4. Guilt You Into Staying

Many narcissistic abusers try to capitalize on guilt to control others. In fact, guilt is a key component in many abusive relationships (i.e., you feel guilty about ending things despite knowing you want out).1 If you’re in a pattern of ending things only to get back together quickly, it may be an indicator that you’re struggling with feeling guilt over prioritizing your own needs.

Things you might hear from a narcissist who is trying to guilt you:

• “I’m going to kill myself if you leave”
• “There’s nobody else who understands me like you do”
• “You’re really going to end this when I’m still grieving my mother’s death?”
• “I’ll be fine, I guess I’ll just be alone. Hopefully nothing bad happens”

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5. Promise to Change

In many cases, people with NPD will make dramatic promises to change when they feel threatened. At times, they may even show some effort in making changes, although these efforts are rarely sustainable.

It’s a misconception that narcissists don’t have insight into their behavior. In fact, emerging research shows that people with NPD are aware of their characteristics.2 However, this awareness often competes with their extraordinary need for control, entitlement, and recognition.

Here are some things you might hear from a promising narcissist:

• “Things are going to be different”
• “I’m going to go to therapy and get help”
• “I’m really going to focus on working on my anger”
• “You’re right. I’m ready now”

6. Stalk You

Stalking is a serious problem, and research shows that nearly 1 in 6 women and 1 in 17 men experience it at some point during their lives.3 In most cases, the stalking is done by someone they know. It comes in many different forms, including showing up without warning, spying, and engaging in cyber tactics like installing tracking devices or hacking into password-protected material.

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7. Feign Crises

While some crises or catastrophes may be legitimate, someone with NPD will often exploit certain stressors to solicit your attention. These crises are crafted to induce guilt, especially if they know exactly how to manipulate you.

Here are things you may hear from a crisis-feigning narcissist:

• “I know we’re not together anymore, but I just wanted to let you know I’m waiting to hear back from the doctor about my concerning lab tests”
• “Just letting you know that my dog died”
• “I hope you’re doing well. I’ve been better; I just lost my job”

8. Seek Revenge

Unfortunately, people with NPD often struggle to accept a loss, and revenge is a tactic they may use . In general, research shows that people are more likely to seek revenge when they feel motivated by power or the desire for status.4 If the narcissist can’t fight you or convince you to change your mind, they may try to hurt you in other ways.

Here are things you might hear from a revenge-seeking narcissist:

• “I’m taking you to court. You’ll never see the kids again”
• “You’re the bad guy here, and everyone will know soon enough”
• “You’re going to regret this”

 

Do Narcissists Have Bad Karma

Do Narcissists Have Bad Karma? When Do You Get Justice or Revenge | What karma do narcissists experience?

Narcissism is a symptom of bad karma. Narcissists fill their life with drama, victimhood, and oppression. While they have an external aura of success and happiness, this is a falsehood that they propagate, and it does not represent who they are inside.

Unfortunately, many narcissists grew up in troubled households. If you have a religious belief in karma, you may assert that this is because of bad karma from previous lives or spiritual existences.

In any case, the narcissist suffers from a lack of self-worth and self-esteem which drives them to be the perpetrator of narcissistic manipulating in order to get their “narcissistic supply.” These are psychological wins which soother their internal hurts.

This destroys their family, relationships, friendships, professional relations, and negatively affects their entire lives. They have created a hell on Earth in order to act out their dominance obsession.

Why Don’t Narcissists Pay for Their Abuse?

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There are several reasons narcissists seem to never pay for what they’ve done, although it all comes down to the fact that they are skilled illusionists with little sense of right and wrong —

• They had all the bad things, and amplify the good
• Narcissists are great liars
• People tend to follow the narcissist’s lead (just easier that way)
• Narcissists have a lack of empathy or remorse
• They expect the best of everything, and have no shame for what they take

Really, the narcissist is paying for their abuse every moment of their life, because they completely miss out on healthy and meaningful relationships with other people. A narcissist experiences more loneliness than the majority can even comprehend, because they are alone in their own little world. Yet, they may not be able to admit or even realize that this is the source of their suffering.

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When Do Narcissists Get Served with Justice?

Perhaps the narcissistic existential suffering seems like too little recompense for their actions. Is it true that narcissists completely escape justice?

While narcissists are more likely to commit and be convicted of crimes, there is no guarantee that that they will get what is coming to them.

If you are waiting for a narcissist to be served with any form of Earthly justice, then you may be waiting a very long time. This is just a fact of life and a consequence of how society functions.

The best thing you can do is look out for yourself, build the life that you want to have, and let the narcissist take care of them self. If you believe in God or a higher power, let them take care of the punishing the narcissist in their own time. Release any resentment you have, and commit yourself to living your own highest purpose unfettered by the demonic torments of narcissistic rage and suffering.

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Are Narcissists Suffering Because of What They Do?

Narcissists in general have little remorse for the lies they tell and abuses they commit. In a psychological point of view, they have a deficiency which makes them lack common empathetic responses found in most humans.

For the majority of us, when someone around us hurts, we hurt also. This makes us feel bad for the wrongs that we do. And, we are naturally inclined to treat people around us rightly and fairly (although we might not do so all the time).

Because narcissists didn’t develop this emotional guide to help them, they don’t feel suffering, or to a much lesser degree, when they hurt others.

However, as I described above, this emotional lack is caused in part by childhood trauma and an ongoing emotional wound which causes them constant suffering. So, while a narcissist doesn’t suffer because of what they do, they do what they do because of their suffering.

How Do You Get Revenge on a Narcissist?

When we are hurt by narcissists, a natural response is to seek revenge. We want to hurt them in the same way that they hurt us.

However, succumbing to this urge in many ways furthers the objectives of the narcissist. Many forms of narcissistic manipulation seek to get under our skin, and make us feel weak, lonely, and scared. The narcissist wants to control the way we think through the way we feel.

To do this, the narcissist build an artificial fantasy world around them full of drama — heros, victims, and oppressors. They entice victims like you to play a role in this world, to make their fantasy a reality.

By the time that we realize what the narcissist is doing, and we come to hate them for it, they are casting us as their oppressor. They are turning the tables on us, and hoping we play along.

Every act of revenge against a narcissist just further cements their hold over our psyche, and forfeits our conscious over to their mad game.

As a victim of a narcissist, the ultimate revenge is to —

• Forgive them for what they have done
• Build boundaries between us
• Stop the cycle of abuse, and build a world of love

Forgiveness, compassion, and love are the antidotes to narcissism and abuse.

Am I Attracting Narcissists because of Bad Karma?

You may be wondering if you are part of the problem. Why do you keep dating narcissists?

While there are some theories of karma that seem to indicate that you have to “burn it off” through suffering, I have also read old teachings that indicate karma can be destroyed in an instant through enlightenment.

Spiritual and religious teachers may have different views, but from what I’ve seen, the moment you realize what a narcissist is and how to spot them, you have the potential to be free from them. I don’t believe that you must have so many years in a narcissistic relationships to earn your way out of abuse. But, some people still end up going back.

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You will keep going back to narcissists only as you crave that experience.

While no one would consciously sign up for narcissistic abuse, many people unconsciously find themselves attracted to these people. But we can overcome this urge through introspection and self development. The more we work on ourselves, the better partners, friends, and business associates we attract to ourselves.

Do narcissists get karma?

Narcissists attract bad karma in a spiritual sense because they commit abuses which are not righteous, initiating a “cause and effect.” In a practical sense, narcissists build for themselves a living hell and must inhabit a world of lies which is spawned from their own wounded subconsciousness.

Do narcissists reap what they sow?

Narcissists rarely seem to “pay” for what they have done, because they are good at presenting a false image of themselves and are good at getting out of trouble. But, everyone’s actions have effects which they have to answer for. Most narcissists have deep seated emotional issues which torment them constantly and is a form of payback for how they act.

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