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Showing posts with label Meaning of Narcissist. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Meaning of Narcissist. Show all posts

Tuesday, December 13, 2022

What’s It Like Being In A Long Term Relationship With A Narcissist?

What’s It Like Being In A Long Term Relationship With A Narcissist?

Narcissists have a knack of making their significant others feel at fault for everything that goes wrong. Even when it’s clearly the narcissist’s fault. And their poor conscientious partners are sent on a wild goose chase. Trying to improve their own behaviours, when no improvement is necessary.

By familiarising yourself with typical narcissist behaviours, you can better understand what’s actually going on. And see why you’re having so many difficulties. And realise it isn’t all down to you.

So, here’s what to expect during a typical long term relationship with a narcissist…

Expect You To Anticipate Their Needs

The narcissist is the focal point of their own lives. But they also expect to be the focal point of yours. To the exclusion of everything else.

The narcissist thinks you should consider them all the time. And even know what they want, without them asking you.

The narcissist considers it insulting that you haven’t read their mind, and anticipated what they want. And they don’t see the hypocrisy that they don't ever consider your needs.

This can leave you anxious and walking on egg shells. Trying to anticipate all their needs. But this is an impossible task. And the narcissist will make sure you “fail” every now and then. Just so they can put you in your place, which is beneath them.

Treat Strangers Better Than You

When you’re in a long term relationship with a narcissist, they can relax and be their narcissistic selves. The narcissist already has you drawn in and attached. So they don’t feel the need to impress you any more.

Narcissists save their best behaviour for those they want to impress. And these are usually people not as close to them. These might be co-workers, people at the gym, or even strangers.

Narcissists want to be liked and admired so much, that they bend over backwards to help strangers. Whilst doing little to help their nearest and dearest.

This leaves you in the upsetting and confusing situation where they treat strangers MUCH better than you. And naturally you’re confused as to why this is happening. It’s only when you understand narcissistic behaviour that it makes sense.

Narcissists aren’t interested in impressing you any more. But they still want to impress everyone else. And this is no reflection on you. It’s what narcissists do.

Flirting

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Most narcissists LOVE to flirt. They need almost constant validation of how sexy, brilliant, and intelligent they are. And flirting provides this for them.

Many narcissists flirt right in front of their partners. Some deliberately do this just to make you feel jealous. The narcissist likes to show you that they have an army of admirers waiting to take your place. So they can nudge you to harder to please them if you want to remain in the “privileged position” of being their partner.

You Feel Like You Are Walking On Egg Shells

Narcissists like to see their partners walking on egg shells around them. Fearing the narcissist’s wrath.

Narcissists know that if people are walking on egg shells, they’re more willing to please the narcissist. Which gives them more power.

Whilst you’re worrying, trying to keep the narcissist happy, they can snap their fingers and you’ll come running to appease them.

A golden rule is that if you feel you’re always trying to please someone, then it’s a red flag that you’re in a toxic relationship. If you’re so useless as they often suggest, then why bother being around you at all?

Push All Their Responsibilities On You


Over time, narcissists usually push their responsibilities onto their significant others. Narcissists don’t care for the boring routines of life. Such as house work, paying bills, looking after children etc. And over time, ALL these things become you’re responsibility.

In my experience, it wasn’t that I was asked to do these things. I just knew that they wouldn’t get done unless I did them. So unless I wanted to live in squalor, I had to do almost everything around the house.

You Age More

Spending a lot of time around narcissists takes it’s toll. Narcissists are draining to be around. And many people age quicker during a relationship with a narcissist.

Over time, most people learn to focus their energy on the narcissist and their needs. And neglect their own. Combine this with all the extra stress and worry they bring, and it’s no wonder many people look significantly older.

One silver lining though. You can reverse a lot of this deterioration once the narcissist is out your life. And literally regress in visible age once their drama is taken somewhere else. This is what happened to me!

Financial Strife

Narcissists typically “live in the moment”. And don’t think about how they’re going to pay for things tomorrow. This often leaves their partners not daring to spend. And always picking up the pieces of the narcissist’s reckless spending.

The narcissist swans about, without a care in the world, spending what they want. Whilst you lay awake at night worrying about the bills.

Some narcissists go as far as to take out loans in their partners name. And many don’t discover this until the relationship is over. And they’re hit with a huge and unexpected bill.

They’re Often In fights

After a while you notice that the narcissist gets into a lot of fights. It might be with friends, family, people from work etc. And if it’s not direct conflict, then they’re probably complaining about someone behind their back.

Of course the conflicts are NEVER the narcissist's fault. And they never hold their hand up and admit any fault whatsoever. Even when they’re clearly in the wrong.

But more annoyingly, the narcissist expects you to back them to the hilt. No matter what they’ve done. And if you point out their contribution to the problem, you’re accused of not being loyal. The narcissist is far more concerned with winning, than who’s right. And you’re expected to back them in ALL their disagreements. No matter what.

They Talk More And Listen Less

Over time, the narcissist talks more, and listens less. And they may flatly ignore you when you ask them a question.

The narcissist feels you’re beneath them, and not worth listening to. And ignoring you is the ultimate show of their “dominance”.

The narcissist feels you should listen to them. But they don’t care to listen to you. They know more than you, so why should they? You can be left feeling lonely and uncared for, even when you spend a lot of time with them.

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Controlling

Most narcissists become more controlling , once they’re settled in a long term relationship. They see their significant others more like property than a person. And don’t consider they have their own wants and needs. In their mind, their significant others are there to serve them.

The narcissists may become angry if you’re 20 minutes late coming home from work. Or they might go into bad moods when you visit a friend.

Narcissists sometimes try to isolate their significant others. And persuade them to give up their jobs. Or move to another area where they don’t know anyone. The narcissist knows that the more you’re isolated, the more you depend on them. And the more they can control you.

Conclusion

Narcissists can be very demanding and self entitled. And they can leave you feeling like you’re not enough. In fact, this is how they want you to feel.

The narcissist likes to paint a picture of you being useless and not worthy of them. That way they have you walking on egg shells, trying to please them.

A healthy relationship is about compromise, give and take, and respecting the others persons feelings. But you don’t get this in a relationship with a narcissist. At least not as an automatic right.

The narcissist will spend months, even years, manoeuvring themselves into a position of almost total power. Leaving you existing just to please them.

The narcissist tries to take as much from you as they can. Whilst giving you as little as they can. They won’t give you anything for nothing. Anything you want, you have to fight hard to get it. 


Friday, December 9, 2022

The Collapsed Narcissist

 

The Collapsed Narcissist

When Narcissists Collapse

Do you know a narcissist who lives in the role of being a perpetual victim? Someone who hates everyone in the world, or at least a whole bunch of people, because somehow, those people are the cause for his or her misery?

Have you noticed that often, these kinds of narcissists seem to be completely alone in the world? They have no regular source of narcissistic supply, and they just seem to be taking out their hateful energy on the world at large?

Sometimes, a narcissist loses their ability to obtain sources of narcissistic supply. This can happen when the narcissist’s family and friends have just had enough and one-by-one, abandon them.

In some cases, the narcissist loses their ability to attract new supply because they get older and lose their looks, or because they become so self-involved that they forget how to do the whole love bombing thing – or any combination of these things.

But a narcissist really NEEDS that supply to continue to exist, right? So what happens then? Do they become a real person, or do they just sort of lose it?

When a narcissist is unable to obtain narcissistic supply, what can you expect? Some people call this a narcissistic crisis or a collapsed narcissist. Whatever the label, it’s a big problem – and often, not just for the narcissist, but also for the people around them.

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What is a Collapsed Narcissist?

A collapsed narcissist is someone who has some or all of the traits of narcissistic personality disorder who has not been able to obtain the proper narcissistic supply – as in, a person to help bolster his or her self-worth, self-esteem – value as a human being. In essence, they feel like they’ve been denied the very supply they need to exist – their proverbial life’s blood. This leads to narcissistic injury, and as the collapsed narcissist writhes helplessly in the pain of not getting what they believe they’re due (whether it’s meeting some big goal or simply getting the admiration and praise they feel they rightly deserve), their whole world feels like it’s falling down around them.

An Example of a Collapsed Narcissist

In other words, a collapsed narcissist is someone who isn’t getting what they want from the people around them for any number of reasons, but most often because something they previously used to manipulate people is no longer at their disposal. So, for example, the narcissist may have lost their looks, where previously they were considered highly attractive and desirable. And rather than using their intelligence or hard work to get what they wanted, everything they got was as a result of using their appearance to manipulate people. Now that they can no longer use their appearance as effectively, they get ugly, and fast – on the inside and in their relationships.

Digging into the Psychology of the Collapsed Narcissist

When a narcissist is in collapse, it is generally due to their own dependence on the people around them for both identity and validation. Despite appearances, there isn’t much going on organically with the narcissist’s identity. Unfortunately for them, they don’t have much of a self without narcissistic supply. Worse, they truly are insecure, at least those who might fall into the vulnerable narcissism subtype.

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Loss of Self-Esteem and Lack of Authenticity in Self-Image

The narcissist loses self-esteem and their self-image is nearly erased. They begin to self-devalue and self-doubt. They might cling to some old version of themselves and can appear pathetic to people around them. This just fuels their hate for humanity, of course – because it cannot be their fault, and while they might eat up the supply they get from being pitied, part of them knows exactly what is happening and can’t fully accept the validation they’ve had to resort to forcing people to give them.

Self-Loathing and Disdain/Hate for Most Others

The collapsed narcissist feels the world is against them, so they tend to literally hate themselves to the point that they project this self-hate onto everyone else around them. Since everyone “hates” the narcissist, they reason, the narcissist may as well hate them back.

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Collapsing Removes the Ability to Hide Negative Emotions

A collapsed narcissist is overly sensitive and full of rage and hate. They throw temper tantrums that would rival a two-year-old, and are outright intolerant, disrespectful, and often even violent in words and actions to the people around them. No one wants to be around them, and if they could be self-aware enough to admit it, even they wouldn’t choose someone like them.

Small-Minded Bigotry and Prejudice

Even if the narcissist was once able to hide their prejudice and small-minded ways under the guise of charm or wit, they’re fading now. So, this is when the gloves come off and the narcissist blasts out his or her blatant bigotry and small-minded ways. You’ll see that anyone who is different from the narcissist is quickly minimized and put into a “not good enough” box (to put it very mildly).

Amping Up on Partner and Family Abuse

This is also often when narcissists will go all-out to abuse their partners, children, and other people close to them – whether physically, mentally, or otherwise. In some cases, it’s worse – the narcissist may even cause the death of a partner and/or their kids. It’s horrifying.

Harmful Addictions Begin or Increase in Intensity

Even if the narcissist in question was completely addiction-free pre-collapse, they often manifest or increase addictive behaviors during and after the narcissistic collapse. Some narcissists will excessively cheat, whether their addiction is to the sex itself or the attention they get from the person they’re cheating with. Others will gamble away their money. Some will also develop or intensify food, drug or alcohol addictions.


The Collapsed Narcissist Takes No Responsibility for Their Behavior

So back to the house metaphor – the narcissist could burn down all the houses around theirs in order to take revenge on everyone and everything else. What it all comes down to is that regardless of the reason for the narcissistic collapse, the narcissist blames everything and everyone EXCEPT him/herself. They must believe, ultimately, that they are a victim and that nothing is his/her fault.

Dealing with a Collapsed Narcissist?

If you’re stuck with a collapsed narcissist, there is one escape: you must leave and never look back. You must resist the urge to help this narcissist and take care of yourself and your kids if you have them. No contact is the only completely effective solution.